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Why Is No One Buying This 8-Bedroom West Mt. Airy Home?

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This is a puzzle, and we have to figure it out immediately. Bring in Angela Lansbury or Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot or some other awkward, tottering person who accidentally tumbles into solving a mystery every seven days or so. We're thinking Mr. Mustard in the library with the potato grater, but it's unclear.

The house: Situated on more than an acre of landscaped gardens, it's 9,824 square-foot Victorian Gothic stone castle-y thing with eight bedrooms, seven fireplaces, original hardwood flooring, swimming pool with pool house, and two-car garage.

The neighborhood: The very wonderful Mt. Airy, where everyone composts; where letters are promptly added to LGBTQI; where you can take courses like "Curvaceous Quilts I: Pickle Dish" or "Intro to Crochet: Chic and Trendy." You're right near the Wissahickon trails so you can walk the blind dog you rescued from a no-kill shelter. Mt. Airy is so close to Center City—should you ever want to leave.

The reason it's not selling: The house is a little ... odd. It has gargoyles, which may scare small children or anyone who's read the Harry Potter books. And how can you explain to your guests that you've bought a castle? It seems oddly self-indulgent to move into an enormous stone manse, especially next to neighbors wearing Birkenstocks. The unremarkable interior is an issue as well, and let's just say a pink ceiling isn't a plus.

· Listing: 701 West Allens Lane [Elfant Wissahickon]