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Cheech and Chong of Doylestown: Here's Your Fresh Start

Photos via Zillow

We all know teenage boys can be a handful, but this 15-year-old must be one angry adolescent. A couple weeks ago, the Doylestown teen called the cops on his parents, Caren Shanfeld and Frances Medvedik, to tell police they were growing marijuana. His parents were arrested after 18 plants and other Pineapple Express accoutrements were discovered at their home on the 2000 block of Par Drive. What happens next? It's unclear. But Caren and Frances, we have some advice for you. We're assuming that, now that your son has screwed this up, you're going to have to move away from your neighbors and reassess your priorities. According to Zillow's Zestimate system, the other properties on your block typically sell for around $450,000. Our plan is quite a bit more expensive, but you must have some cash stashed somewhere for this kind of emergency. Our solution? You buy this beautiful equestrian estate. Instead of growing pot, you'll be growing horses, which are considerably more responsive when you play them classical music. Look at all the natural beauty—you can gaze out onto the property and think about your misdeeds, wonder where it all went wrong, and how in the world your son turned into such a narc.

Size: 6 beds, 5 baths, 5,990 square feet
Outdoor space: 12 acres
Bonus for people who need to pretend they're stoned but can't be because they have to get drug-tested regularly: sauna, steam shower, pool
Horse stuff: 16-stall barn with seasonal heating and cooling; abutting trail system; 90-foot-by-180-foot riding ring
Price: $1,150,000
· Listing: 140 Willowbrook Drive, Doylestown, Pa. [Zillow]