Betwixt the shoes and the jewelry, there's a carpet of children, heads tilted upward, watching the famous light show. It's rather cheesy and underwhelming, sort of what IMAX might have been like at the advent of electricity. The organ, though, is tremendous.

Is there really more to say than Santa goes scuba diving at the aquarium? Does the fun not speak for itself? If nothing else can solve Camden's problems, perhaps this will. Scuba Santa also sticks around to get photos taken with kids—we assume after he's dried off.

The Brandywine Critters are made from pine cones, sticks and plant materials, and they end up looking like frogs, bunnies or pine cones that have rolled around a lot. This is a famous tradition: There's a book about the Critters and the ornaments have graced the White House tree.

What does a giant penguin have to do with the message of Christmas? Nothing, really, but you can get one anyway at Kindy's Christmas Factory Outlet, along with any other Christmasy kitsch you require—on sale. As they say at the outlet, "Stack ’em deeper, sell ’em cheaper."

The animals always look quite serious in these photos, perhaps because they're utterly terrified: 'Why is this hairy human-beast holding me so tightly? What have I done?' But for pet owners, there's nothing more hilarious to have on the fridge. Oh, how it brightens the Kitschmas season.

Philly has costumed-reenactor kitsch nailed down, what with Ben Franklin impersonators gallivanting around town. Now Santa comes to Franklin Square to ride the carousel and play mini golf. Question: Have Philly Ben Franklin and Philly Santa ever been seen in the same place at the same time? Hmm.

Sazz Vintage has the spirit of Christmas kitsch nailed down with sweaters like "Lime Green Ugly Xmas cardigan w/smiley Santa Faces!" The sweaters are mostly online and not in the Old City store, but special arrangements can be made in event of a sweater emergency.

Ben Franklin + Santa + Eagles = unparalleled kitsch. We're not sure what the Pro Shop has on each given day, so online may be your best bet. But if you're making a pilgrimage to pray for the team like a traveler to Lourdes, you might as well stop in.