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Have Yourself a Very Kitschy Christmas and Holiday Season!

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Though there are some people who approach the holiday season piously—who recall that it comes from...uh...some religious thing?—most Americans think of it as a time to buy stuff, take off of work, give presents, eat a lot, and watch the Roots' Questlove rock an ugly Christmas sweater and sing a corny Christmas song on national TV. It's a holiday that frees us from our shackles of self-presentation and makes it okay to be kitschy, in the same way that Halloween makes it okay for women to dress like hookers (oh, wait, bad example).

Nothing is too garish or too tacky on Christmas. You might be the type who never departs from a suit, a string of pearls and pumps, but come Christmas, you can wear a reindeer LED pin without a hint of shame. You can also sit on the floor of Macy's next to a 5-year-old and watch a light show that was last perceived as avant garde in 1910—and be delighted and amazed. It's just that time of year.

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Macy's Holiday Light Show

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Betwixt the shoes and the jewelry, there's a carpet of children, heads tilted upward, watching the famous light show. It's rather cheesy and underwhelming, sort of what IMAX might have been like at the advent of electricity. The organ, though, is tremendous.

Adventure Aquarium

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Is there really more to say than Santa goes scuba diving at the aquarium? Does the fun not speak for itself? If nothing else can solve Camden's problems, perhaps this will. Scuba Santa also sticks around to get photos taken with kids—we assume after he's dried off.

Brandywine River Museum

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The Brandywine Critters are made from pine cones, sticks and plant materials, and they end up looking like frogs, bunnies or pine cones that have rolled around a lot. This is a famous tradition: There's a book about the Critters and the ornaments have graced the White House tree.

Smedley Street Christmas Lights

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Christmas decorations are kitsch in the best way possible. South Philly is the undisputed king of Philly lights, and Smedley Street—between 16th and 17th, Moyamensing and Oregon—is a power grid unto itself. For other South Philly holiday lights, check out the 1600 block of South 13th Street.

Kindy's Christmas Factory Outlet

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What does a giant penguin have to do with the message of Christmas? Nothing, really, but you can get one anyway at Kindy's Christmas Factory Outlet, along with any other Christmasy kitsch you require—on sale. As they say at the outlet, "Stack ’em deeper, sell ’em cheaper."

Pictures With Santa at PetSmart

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The animals always look quite serious in these photos, perhaps because they're utterly terrified: 'Why is this hairy human-beast holding me so tightly? What have I done?' But for pet owners, there's nothing more hilarious to have on the fridge. Oh, how it brightens the Kitschmas season.

Santa in Franklin Square

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Philly has costumed-reenactor kitsch nailed down, what with Ben Franklin impersonators gallivanting around town. Now Santa comes to Franklin Square to ride the carousel and play mini golf. Question: Have Philly Ben Franklin and Philly Santa ever been seen in the same place at the same time? Hmm.

A Dickens of a Murder

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Charles Dickens knew, during his lifetime, that some of his writing was kitsch—and he embraced it. But what would he think of this mystery dinner theater experience that brings Scrooge and many other Dickens characters together with Sherlock Holmes? In Bensalem?

Tacky Christmas sweaters

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Sazz Vintage has the spirit of Christmas kitsch nailed down with sweaters like "Lime Green Ugly Xmas cardigan w/smiley Santa Faces!" The sweaters are mostly online and not in the Old City store, but special arrangements can be made in event of a sweater emergency.

Lincoln Financial Field

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Ben Franklin + Santa + Eagles = unparalleled kitsch. We're not sure what the Pro Shop has on each given day, so online may be your best bet. But if you're making a pilgrimage to pray for the team like a traveler to Lourdes, you might as well stop in.

Macy's Holiday Light Show

Betwixt the shoes and the jewelry, there's a carpet of children, heads tilted upward, watching the famous light show. It's rather cheesy and underwhelming, sort of what IMAX might have been like at the advent of electricity. The organ, though, is tremendous.

Adventure Aquarium

Is there really more to say than Santa goes scuba diving at the aquarium? Does the fun not speak for itself? If nothing else can solve Camden's problems, perhaps this will. Scuba Santa also sticks around to get photos taken with kids—we assume after he's dried off.

Brandywine River Museum

The Brandywine Critters are made from pine cones, sticks and plant materials, and they end up looking like frogs, bunnies or pine cones that have rolled around a lot. This is a famous tradition: There's a book about the Critters and the ornaments have graced the White House tree.

Smedley Street Christmas Lights

Christmas decorations are kitsch in the best way possible. South Philly is the undisputed king of Philly lights, and Smedley Street—between 16th and 17th, Moyamensing and Oregon—is a power grid unto itself. For other South Philly holiday lights, check out the 1600 block of South 13th Street.

Kindy's Christmas Factory Outlet

What does a giant penguin have to do with the message of Christmas? Nothing, really, but you can get one anyway at Kindy's Christmas Factory Outlet, along with any other Christmasy kitsch you require—on sale. As they say at the outlet, "Stack ’em deeper, sell ’em cheaper."

Pictures With Santa at PetSmart

The animals always look quite serious in these photos, perhaps because they're utterly terrified: 'Why is this hairy human-beast holding me so tightly? What have I done?' But for pet owners, there's nothing more hilarious to have on the fridge. Oh, how it brightens the Kitschmas season.

Santa in Franklin Square

Philly has costumed-reenactor kitsch nailed down, what with Ben Franklin impersonators gallivanting around town. Now Santa comes to Franklin Square to ride the carousel and play mini golf. Question: Have Philly Ben Franklin and Philly Santa ever been seen in the same place at the same time? Hmm.

A Dickens of a Murder

Charles Dickens knew, during his lifetime, that some of his writing was kitsch—and he embraced it. But what would he think of this mystery dinner theater experience that brings Scrooge and many other Dickens characters together with Sherlock Holmes? In Bensalem?

Tacky Christmas sweaters

Sazz Vintage has the spirit of Christmas kitsch nailed down with sweaters like "Lime Green Ugly Xmas cardigan w/smiley Santa Faces!" The sweaters are mostly online and not in the Old City store, but special arrangements can be made in event of a sweater emergency.

Lincoln Financial Field

Ben Franklin + Santa + Eagles = unparalleled kitsch. We're not sure what the Pro Shop has on each given day, so online may be your best bet. But if you're making a pilgrimage to pray for the team like a traveler to Lourdes, you might as well stop in.